Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
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Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.