Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Stick it to the man
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”