My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
You Might Also Like
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.