I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.