I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My dress code is business-casualty.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them