[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Noah
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.