I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.