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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.