*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
You Might Also Like
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡