shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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I never needed anything more in my life
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.