Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish