ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Lube but for my dry humor.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.