what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Rather alarming headline…
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*