Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
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[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.