the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn