Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You Might Also Like
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE