Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
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Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
An odd boast
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?