Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
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I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*