Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
That’s easy for you to say
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this