Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?