Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later