[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.