My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.