I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe