No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.