My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.