The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I cannot stop laughing at this
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Got ya covered
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.