Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I hope it’s French Onion!
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.