Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.