Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
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day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB