Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My five year plan is a meteorite
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*