I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”