When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
You Might Also Like
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I’m about to risk it all
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.