Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
You Might Also Like
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.