My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
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Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
58.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
You better watch out
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter