I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.