Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard