Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
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There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF