I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.