My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
United Steaks of America
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.