Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
i smell a pulitzer
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,