No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there