Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it