[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
She was REALLY feeling it.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}