Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
#SaturdayBears
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.