ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Webb. James Webb.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Dietest Coke
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.