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it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.