I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?