Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.