“i miss shittin on people”
You Might Also Like
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.